Monster
by SirusPolaris
Summary: I am a horrible person... A monster. And that's all I'll ever be... InuPOV InuKag


**A/N: **I started this story my freshman year, found it this summer and fixed it up. I wanted to write something sad but realistic-- I really hate how a lot of people picture Inu-Yasha as this sheep in wolf's clothing, easily warding off the years of verbal and physical abuse to become perfectly fine.

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Inu-Yasha. I have no money. Grand Valley State has all my money.

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"I'm a creep.

I'm a wierdo.

What the Hell am I doing here?

I don't belong here..." Radiohead, _Creep

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_

I am a horrible person.

No matter how anyone may insist otherwise, I hold firm to the fact that I am an abomination on countless levels.

A freak.

No, worse—a _hanyou_.

Despite the demon gods I've killed, despite the impossible feats I've performed, despite the good deeds I've done in some warped attempt to redeem myself, I can't seem to escape it.

_Hanyou. _

The word has been a curse on my whole goddamn life.

But beyond that, beneath the skin, I'm nothing more than a monster. Past the claws, the fangs, and the bloodlust lays only the worst sort of spirit… a dirty soul I wish weren't mine…

I always hurt the ones I love—my past is consumed within a twisted line of gore and pain, every disgusting, stomach-churning memory a product of my own creation: my parents' death, Kikyo's mortal betrayal… I should have done something, stopped them from happening, but I didn't. I couldn't…

It was my entire fault. I hurt them. I let them die…

And here I was yet again, deliberately hurting the person I'd grown closest to, the one person who made me feel like I _wasn't_ a complete atrocity…

But some things just can't be helped.

I'd only just gone off on my own to think things over, settling myself on a secluded bluff overlooking the small campfire where my companions sat haloed in a ring of ocher light. I counted them silently, tracing their silhouetted outlines with half-lidded eyes and knowing deep down that even with my watchful gaze they were never safe. They could never be safe, not while I protected them. They'd never understand… though jaded in their own way, they would never understand the self-loathing that I cannot escape.

Miroku's too absorbed in the here-now prospect of everything—he wouldn't understand nostalgia if it kicked him in the ass. He believes that an offer is only good until it's gone, and at that point, it should be thrown away and forgotten. What a fool. Not that he didn't have his own haunting memories of dark times; the priest had a way of ignoring those niggling pains and lingering torments, putting on a happy face and trying to be an optimist.

But optimism is useless in face of an inevitable tragic ending, and deep down, I know that he knows he's just wasting his energy.

The demon exterminator, Sango, was probably the only one who'd identify with my predicament. The poor woman understood pain and past lamenting more than anyone else I'd come across. If I went to anyone with deep, dark questions, it _should_ have been Sango… However, her closeness to a third member of our party makes her opinion more than slightly biased, and therefore it is no good to me. I need the truth; I need to know if I did the right thing…

A slight rustling from behind me alerted me of her presence long before she came into view— distantly I scolded myself for being too wrapped up in my own troubled thoughts to notice her leave the circle of firelight to find me. This constant distraction was beginning to become a major issue.

I waited patiently for her to come, pretending to ignore her as she strode to my side and gingerly seated herself next to me.

"Hey," she said simply, pulling her knees up to her chest and resting her chin in her arms.

I responded with only a soft "feh", her gentle scent wafting over on an evening breeze and quickly sending my mind into a blank spin.

She was silent for a moment, and I allowed my eyes to glance to the side to take her in just for a moment. Her hair was curling in the funny way it did when it was newly washed; a few errant strands gently brushed her tanned cheeks. She didn't see me watching—her gaze was below the bluff watching Shippo scoot closer to the fire. The starlight and firelight created a pleasing contrast of silver and gold in her brown eyes. But it wasn't hard to notice that those large eyes were shadowed and heavy despite the faraway nature of their soft stare. They were looking deep at inward contemplations.

Immediately my heart beat with a twinge of guilt, and I was sorry I let myself look at her in the first place.

"What do you want, wench?" I grumbled at last, breaking the silence with a growl, shoving my hands deeper into my sleeves and focusing all of my energy to be annoyed. It was easier to deal with her that way.

"Hmm?"

Apparently she'd been lost in her own thoughts as well.

"Oh," Kagome picked up quickly, threading a lock of hair behind her ear in a stupidly cute sort of motion, "Nothing. I just thought we could sit for a while, you know, together."

She forced a smile. I frowned and glared harder at the fire. "Feh."

We sat in a stony silence, thinking to ourselves and tuning into each other's breathing. An anxious, claustrophobic feeling began to summersault in my stomach—she was smothering me with the sadness in her eyes.

"Inu-Yasha?"

Her voice sounded so tiny.

I tried to sound aggravated. "What?"

Instantly, I regretted snapping at her—she seemed to physically shrink before my eyes, recoiling with a meek, "nothing" and shifting away from me. A terrible ache began building in my chest, reminding me just how much I hated hurting her.

But I just couldn't stop.

"Look," I sighed, trying to swallow the large knob of guilt balling in my throat, "if you're just gonna sit there like a damn lump, then leave. You're bothering me." It wasn't a complete lie, though I left out the part that she was only bothering my unnecessary solitude. My conscience was the one making her presence unbearable.

She made a small, indignant noise in the back of her throat. "Well, fine! Just sit up here and sulk 'til you rot—see if I care, jerk!"

She made as if she was preparing to stand and storm away, but for some reason she stopped suddenly, stiffly settling back down and staring hard at her knees.

"Inu-Yasha, do I… really bother you?"

I should've lied. The harsh rejection was on the tip of my tongue—I could have spared her from myself.

But my traitorous ways got the best of me. "No," I muttered.

"What was that?"

I growled, truly annoyed. "I said, 'no', idiot. You don't fucking bother me." I huffed. "Now are you satisfied?"

"Of course I'm not satisfied!" she bellowed, never missing a beat. "If I'm not bothering you then why on earth are you kicking me out?"

"I'm not kicking you out—how the hell can I? We're _outside!_" I shouted back in my defense, but even I could tell it was a shitty one. "I was telling you to _go away_, it's different!"

"But you just said I'm not bothering you!"

"So!"

"_So--_" Kagome was trying to rein her temper and failing horribly, as usual, "—why should I leave if I'm not bothering you?"

I sputtered for a brief moment, fumbling for an answer, "B-because I said so!"

A beat passed between us before she spoke again.

"You really don't want me around, do you?" she said softly, sobering me quickly. "It's okay. I understand..." The hurt was evident in her voice, and once again I felt like The World's Biggest Jackass. "I'll leave you alone, then."

"Fuck… Kagome, wait," I started on unstable ground—I sucked at these sort of things. Somehow I always managed to put my foot in my mouth. "I… damnit, I mean… well, I didn't mean it… like that."

She waited for me to continue, and when I didn't she sighed tiredly. "Inu-Yasha…"

My name on her lips was painful for both of us.

I always do this to myself—I talk myself into being the cold wall blocking her warm front, and I don't know why.

I'm such a monster…

I stared harder at the darkness surrounding the ring of traveling companions bathed in firelight, as if glaring at it would ward it off. The light flickered ominously, as if the pitch black around them was fighting back against it, threatening to consume the three. My spirits sank lower.

There was a faint rustle of fabric as Kagome resituated herself, and in the back of my mind I imagined her pulling her slim calves underneath her, folded hands in her lap making her seem so timid, so uncharacteristically-Kagome.

I had done that to her—with a few cruel words I'd taken her fire, her strength, her _essence_ and reduced her to this pathetically fearful person… all because I couldn't stop myself. This wasn't the girl I'd grown so attached to, this was all that was left of her. I'd destroyed her in a way that couldn't be put back together, and I'd never hated myself more.

Kagome drew in a tremulous breath, and I prepared myself for the worst.

But there was no need. She was too tactful.

"What am I, Inu-Yasha?" she asked carefully, methodically, watching the distant flames of our campfire flicker dimly. "Not a priestess, or your average school girl, certainly not a heroine…"

I said nothing.

"The truth is that since I came here, I don't know who I am. I don't know _what _I am. I feel like I'm stuck in some kind of limbo, you know? Like I'm still waiting to _be_ something…"

She sat back on her haunches and sighed deeply, almost as if she was trying to expel something from her system before continuing in a small, sad voice, "But you know what? The only thing I really _want_ to be…" I thought she was going to cry then, but she held her composure to force out the next few words as if they were being ripped from the most secret portions of her mind, "… I want to be something… that will make you happy."

My heart plummeted to my stomach, and I felt sick and elated at the same time. "W-what?"

Kagome bit her lip and closed her eyes. "What am I, Inu-Yasha?"

When I didn't answer straight away she whipped her head around to look at me, her face pale. I couldn't speak. I couldn't _think_. Kagome was saying something—subtly, but it was there all the same. I'd been anticipating and dreading it for nearly a year, since she kissed me to break an evil spell, like the flipside of an age-old fairytale. And now that she was actually talking about… _us_, I didn't know what to do. I couldn't even remember how to _breathe_…

"What am I to you?"

My brain couldn't wrap itself around a single coherent thought. I heard Kagome shudder once. Twice. And then…

"_What am I, Inu-Yasha?_" she asked shrilly, on the verge of hysterics, eyes hard and dry. "What am I to you now? What do you want me to be? Tell me!"

I could feel her gaze on me, imploring, wishing, hoping… It was almost a burden on my shoulders, the way she looked at me then, and I could only close my eyes in an attempt to keep myself from exploding in a million different directions right there and then.

Then, slowly, forlornly, she turned away from me to stare at the hands clasped on her lap.

"Tell me. Why… why aren't I enough as I am? Why can't I just be what you need? Why can't I be--" She cut herself off abruptly, clenching her hands in her lap before continuing. "No matter what I'm am, I'll never escape her, will I? I'll always be in Kikyo's shadow…"

_Kikyo_. Her name was sharp, cutting the space between us like a knife. Kikyo, the one I'd given my heart to. Her name had cropped up a lot recently—she'd been stalking us for months, floating in and out of our lives with only cryptic messages and empty declarations of past losses.

_Kikyo. _

The woman made me think whenever she came around. Think hard about dangerous things. To me her name meant torment, sorrow, remorse… Kagome was right—she would never escape the undead priestess. They were, in essence, of the same soul; they were part of each other, whether they liked it or not.

_Kikyo._

In a way, I guess Kagome and I were alike in that aspect: neither of us could escape Kikyo. We were both dementedly bound to her walking, talking corpse and restlessly-angry soul.

I'd promised Kikyo my soul to put hers to rest, and I never go back on my word. Never.

_Kikyo_.

Kagome had to have known that, for she fidgeted slightly, her slender fingers fiddling with the hem of that ridiculous skirt.

"You've been thinking about her a lot lately, haven't you?" she asked hesitantly, almost as if afraid to hear the answer.

I had none, except to deepen my scowl and harden my glare.

"You know," the sound of hope rapidly leaving the girl was almost audible, "with Naraku dead and the Shikon Jewel reassembled, I really have no purpose here." She paused to take a large breath. "I was thinking of going home."

My heart stopped. "To stay?"

"Yeah. I don't belong here; you've said it countless times. I belong home."

"It's true," I could feel my innards twisting into a knot as I forced the words out. "You'd probably just get your clumsy self killed hangin' around here."

"Oh." Kagome visibly flinched and the knot in my stomach doubled on itself.

I couldn't do it. It hurt like hell to deny her but I just couldn't let myself love her the way she needed. If I did, and we were happy, it would be so painfully temporary. With my soul indebted to Kikyo, I would be forced to leave the girl the way Kikyo left me—still so very much in love.

And that wouldn't be fair to Kagome.

I couldn't give her what she craved, what she needed as much as her lungs needed air—when Kikyo came around to collect her promised soul, Kagome's presence would only complicate things.

You see, I couldn't give her a reason to stay. I was trying to spare her from my damn cruelty.

But I couldn't tell which would hurt her more—leaving her then or letting her leave me now.

"Inu-Yasha."

I couldn't. I couldn't. I couldn't…

"Inu-Yasha."

She was talking but I couldn't hear her over my concentration and deafening thoughts. I couldn't let my resolve die. I had to stay strong…

"Inu-Yasha, please, answer me…" Kagome's voice pleaded softly.

I growled, perhaps more agitated than I intended. "What?"

"I said, I love you."

The air suddenly became too slippery for my lungs. How on earth had I missed hearing that?

Kagome's heart was racing noisily at the edge of my hearing, so violently that I feared it may shut down in exhaustion. She was waiting on pins and needles for an answer, but I my brain couldn't formulate a response. Silence stretched between us like a cold chill, as if something thick and tangible had positioned itself between us and forced us apart.

Far below us, our companions had doused the fire and were hunkering down for the night—the world was plunged into blue light, colored by the waning moon.

Then, as if she couldn't stand the cold silence any longer, Kagome burst out in distress, "Inu-Yasha, please, say something. _Anything_."

"What the hell do you want me to say!" I exploded suddenly, the words coming out faster and louder until they were flowing in a steady stream of angry shouting. "Say that I'll abandon this world for yours? To turn into fucking Miroku and tell you whatever will make you happy? Say that I'll fuck over Kikyo to love you? God damn it, Kagome, I can't change anything! I can't change the way I feel and I can't change what I fucking have to do for her, no matter how you feel about me. Do you understand now, Kagome! I have absolutely _nothing_ to say!"

Despite the truth to what I just said, as soon as the words were out of my mouth I immediately wanted to eat them.

In the silence that followed Kagome went very quiet and very still. I couldn't have felt worse if I'd physically stabbed her in the back.

I'd just laid everything I had on the table, showing her that I had nothing. I _was_ nothing. Everything she'd hoped and dreamed I could be, all the beautiful and wonderful things she thought she saw in me were just fantasies. False. Lies.

The sound of her heart breaking was almost audible.

"This is about Kikyo. It was always about Kikyo." She sounded so small, so defeated, and I felt like even more of a scumbag for thinking of answering; but I had to answer her, I could feel her trembling next to me.

I opened my mouth to speak, but my tongue and lips didn't want to pass the word.

"Yes," I spat, more angry than I had intended.

The world stopped spinning in that instant, when I felt her eyes on me.

With a quick inhalation of breath, she turned, spreading her arms and welcoming me into a soft embrace that reminded me of my mother. It was such a gentle invitation to such a peaceful place that I couldn't refuse, and so wrapped my arms loosely around her tiny waist.

Her heartbeat fluttered at the movement, her fingers cradled by the folds in the back of my haori. I forced down the butterflies in my own stomach, breathing in her scent and drowning in it.

There was no doubt in my mind that I cared for her, this sorry little schoolgirl—I'd risk my life to save her pathetic self from certain death. She was a wonderfully warm person who brought color back into my world, and I loved her, I truly did…

But she knew as well as I did that I couldn't turn my back on Kikyo.

My shoulder muffled her words, but I heard them all the same: "You still love her."

The cruel streak inside of me wouldn't let me lie to the girl, no matter what pain it would've spared her. It was that part of me, the part that couldn't let go, that wouldn't let me cling to Kagome.

Despite however desperately I tried to wrestle the pieces of my heart away from Kikyo's icy grip, she'd always hold that part of me.

Forever.

"Yes. I love her."

It was no lie.

Kagome's grip tightened unconsciously as my words stung something deep inside of her. Her heart was beating erratically beneath my fingers. I was killing her; I was killing her spirit, her soul, her _heart_.

And I had no intention of stopping.

I suddenly felt the foreign urge to cry.

"Inu-Yasha."

"Yes, Kagome?" I answered huskily, fighting the alien tears pricking the backs of my eyes.

She started hesitantly, haltingly, afraid of my reaction. "Was there ever a time… even in its tiniest moment…" Her tiny body quaked in my arms, "… that you loved me at all?"

She spoke as if hoping for some kind of miracle to reverse what she knew to be true, clinging to that desperate, dying dream like a falling man clings to a rope.

And just like always, I had to take it away from her, ripping the last shred of hope from her scrabbling fingers.

My heart was screaming _YES! YES, I LOVE YOU! I ALWAYS WILL!_

But my mouth wouldn't process the words.

_I DON'T WANT TO GIVE UP MY SOUL IF IT MEANS WE CAN'T BE TOGETHER!_

My mind was racing for an answer. An answer that had to be a lie.

_I LOVED YOU SINCE THE MOMENT I SAW YOU!_

I got the feeling that my own heart was breaking as well—what with the sharp, building pain growing in my chest—but I forced myself not to think about it.

**_I LOVE _YOU_, KAGOME!_**

The smarter, colder part of me knew all too well that the truth would end up hurting her just as much as any lie. Her whole being was imploring me, so sadly, so desperately, so full of potential pain that I couldn't breathe.

_Did you ever love me, Inu-Yasha?_

Even though I knew that this was the only way to spare my beautiful Kagome, I couldn't help the twin, swollen tears streaking from the corners of my eyes as I grit out the dirtiest lie of my life:

"No."

I felt her stiffen in my embrace, her petite body shivering involuntarily as she let her arms fall limply to her sides. My broken heart ached.

I withdrew my arms, letting her turn away. I could smell the tears in her eyes, the heavy tang of salt and despair. I wanted to die in that instant for hurting her.

But she was stronger than I could ever imagine—with only a quiet sniffle, she'd composed herself enough to turn back to me, though her eyes brimmed with glassy tears.

I schooled my vision on the horizon, determined not to look at her. If I did, I'd have seen just how fragile she'd looked, and I'd have lost my resolve for sure.

"I should go home..." Her voice shook. I wanted to kick myself. "… to stay."

There it was.

My heart throbbed painfully at the thought, but it was what had to be done.

For Kagome.

Because I wanted her life to be better than the one I could give her.

Because I wanted her to be happy.

Because…

"Yeah, you should." I gritted out the words. "It's better for the both of us."

… I love her.

Out of the corner of my eye, I watched her deflate, her face falling into shadow as she turned it downcast to hide her tears. I could smell them as they traced her cheeks, I could hear them as they spattered the grass. The smell was overpowering, the sound deafening.

"I love you, Inu-Yasha."

She pushed herself jerkily from the ground and turned to leave, hesitating for the barest moment, waiting for me to say something. Her aura pleaded with mine; do something to stop her, she wanted so badly for me to keep her from leaving just this once…

_I love her. _

But I didn't know what else to say. "I'm sorry."

I'm such a horrible person.

And no one will ever understand.

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Review please:) 


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